“What can you do when your love isn’t good enough” – Bossy K
It’s about 12:20 am and I’m sitting here listening to H.E.R- Focus. I never really express my past relationship, but I decided to. After my ex and I broke up, I felt like my life was coming to an end at the young age of 16. I never experience such pain in my life until me and him both went our separate ways. I cried literally my entire summer away. I remember one day, my momma and I went out to eat. We were just sitting and eating, and she asked me, “How you and (inserts ex-name) doing?” I couldn’t help, but to burst into tears. Those same warm tears, I felt for the next 5 months. As I look back, I remember those same feelings like they were yesterday. Although I’m completely moved on, I still feel those same broken feelings from time to time, but I must say, It made me stronger.
I never thought going through a bad break up would make me stronger. Throughout my love life, I haven’t really come close to making someone, my boyfriend. I talked to different males from time to time, but I never thought twice about making them my boyfriend. Although my bad break up was 3 years ago, I learned from it. I learned from it so I can be a better girlfriend to the lucky male! Bad breakups can make you or break you, and I can say that it made me into a better young lady! When it comes to love, I love extremely hard. I give my all to someone that loves me back. But that’s with everyone right? Being in a relationship can be so glamorous and fairy tales, but also toxic; and I learned that.
“After someone hurts you, you’re not the same anymore. You start to question yourself. What could you have done differently? What could you have done to save what you cherish the most in life, but in reality the answer is nothing. Relationships are meant to complement your life, not complicate it. You start to change the core of yourself, quietly give up your dreams, and compromise your morals to please your partner. You fear to be too loud, too demanding, too clingy. You speak up when you feel disrespected, but he does nothing to dispel. Don’t be ashamed to need reassurance constantly. Things change, feelings change, and people change also. You start to hate yourself because you are able to detect the slightest change in behavior. Something as simple as body movements, the way they look at you, message you and even touch you. You hate that you overthink things. You try to find peace in what you’re seeing to convince yourself that you are overreacting. You know when someone is losing interest in you, and the fucked up part is they will never tell you. You’re often silent when you are screaming inside. Sleeping next to them when you’re hurting inside. That’s when it’s time to walk away, but we never do. We can’t and honestly, we don’t want to. When you fall for someone it’s because you saw potential in them. You saw forever in them.
You wanted it to work more than anything, but once you start to feel unwanted you start to feel insecure. It’s fucked up how much power we give them. How we open up and share our deepest secrets and darkest moments only to be fucked over again. Fucked over by the person who once told you that they’ll never put you through that. Fucked over by the person who told you that your heart was safe with them. When you genuinely love someone and they’re the source of your happiness, they become your drug. You become hooked. All of your morals and everything you said you’ll never let someone put you through goes out of the window. You often find yourself alone so you can cry without being judged because no one would understand. You just want to be alone because no words can describe the sadness you feel. Why do we stay when we’re in so much pain? We stay because we made a promise to ourselves to never give up on them. The late night conversations with God, asking for help to save what you have left. I’ve been there many of nights. You aren’t the problem. Your heart is in the right place. Sometimes you have to move on. If they’re meant to be here, in the long run, they’ll catch up. It’s not easy, but keep loving. Everything isn’t temporary. Pray to never be the source of negative suffering for other people. Keep your faith. Eventually, everything will come full circle for you, you’ll end up with who you’re meant to be with doing what you’re meant to be doing. Save your heart for someone who cares. Work on yourself and by the time you’re done, they’re gonna wish they never left. You will be prepared for your next relationship, just don’t make them suffer because of what your ex did. I understand your trust is shot, but don’t run what might be your forever away. Pay attention to all the signs, but allow yourself to love and be loved again. Your heart is pure and that’s enough to be at peace.” – Daymond
ITS OK TO CRY
” I listened to sad music and cried” – Yasia
I cried and cried and cried and CRIED! I cried to my friends almost every day because I felt like I was alone and nobody could hear me. I also cried and listened to sad songs. I just felt like I wasn’t going to love anymore. Everybody around me kept telling me I would be fine, but I just knew I wasn’t. I’m telling that you will. It’s ok to cry! Cry in the shower or outside. Cry to a close friend or family member! Just let it all out and never hold it in. Some days, I did hold it in, but it just made me weak. So, I would cry and write it all down.
WRITE IT DOWN.
Some days, I felt like I was becoming a burden on my friends, so I wrote my feelings down in a journal. I still have my book of thoughts. You can even read poems or keep yourself occupied! Find a hobby or hang out with friends. I didn’t go out for the rest of my summer and that was a big mistake. I sat there in depression, but don’t do it! Smile and laugh a little!
“Well, my first break up, I really went through it. I thought I was in love but I really wasn’t. Alcohol and music helped me” -Chase
NEVER GO BACK
What’s in the past, STAYS IN THE PAST! Never go back to that ex that hurt you. What hurt you, can hurt you AGAIN! After a breakup, it’s all about bettering yourself and becoming a new and improved person. Continue to move forward. Never look for love in the wrong places while vulnerable because you will continue to get burned. Never let anyone make you their stepping stone. Blossom and Flourish!
Praying to God to deliver you from those heartaches and tears was one of the things I did. Eventually, I began to overcome it and smile again. I felt myself being delivered from my depression. “My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.” PSALM 119:28. That same quote stuck with me throughout my journey. Reading and praying can help!
“I mentally blocked them out, I draw all the energy I once had into them as well as making it work, and into something else. My gateways was school, I’ll challenge and distract myself.. and for those nights when I’m emotional over it, I’ll stay off twitter and actually listen to sad songs to draw all the emotions and just cry it out… in a couple months I’m okay” – Tamara
After accepting the breakup, I started to mingle out a little. I didn’t have sex while doing so, but instead, I texted a few males from time to time. I socialized and kept it at a friend level.
“For me, dealing with a breakup, no matter how much I cared for the person, I never cried or anything. I never expect more from any guy. I would just hope and pray that he was good for me or could be the one and if it didn’t work out, I just left it where it was. I never forced anything or anyone to stay around and having good company and people to lift you up helps a hundred percent because you might not see yourself self-destructing, but those who can and try to help makes the situation easier to manage. I can be upset about it and I’m allowed to, but I’m not going to let one guy defeat me. I just focus on me.” -Paris
BE TRUE TO YOU.
Painful breakups can cloud your thinking so that it’s almost impossible to look beyond the immediate feelings of pain and loss. You may have trouble remembering all the things you appreciate because you’re so focused on the negative. Practicing gratitude can help to even out your moods and get you get back into a more positive headspace
“Well, to be honest, I use to be devastated for months!! I would vent to my friends and they would try to comfort me. I vented to my brother and he would tell me “don’t cry over no male show him you don’t need him and that’s when he gonna come running back,” but I didn’t listen I was in love and that’s who I wanted to be with so I was trying to do any and everything I could to fix things between us. I always thought I was the problem when in reality I wasn’t …things would get better but like 2 months after it got even worse so I decided to take my brothers advice and I stopped focusing on him. I blocked him on all social media and his number so that way I wouldn’t be tempted to talk to him. I kept myself busy, I stayed around my friends, I just did things to keep myself happy and that’s how I found self-happiness. Once I got that, I realized who I was and what I was capable of… any male would love to be with me so why stress over one who continues to hurt me and show he doesn’t care? It’s really true when they say “one mans trash is another’s man’s treasure” – Keryanna
Where have you always wanted to go? Go there. Whether on your own or with a friend, there’s something incredibly healing about getting away from it all for a week or so. Extra points if you switch your phone off for the duration.
I think this was the toughest thing I had to do, was to forgive and forget. If you don’t forgive, you’re going to always dwell on it, never dwell. Forgive him, but never forget! Anger is a double-edged sword. As long as you bear someone a grudge, it will eat away at you, and stop you being truly happy. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean letting someone into your life again or giving back the trust that’s been lost. It does mean letting go of your resentment and moving on with your life and hoping they move on with theirs too.
Everyone deals with certain things different from others, including myself. Being in love is such a great feeling, but can also be toxic. Never let it change you for the worst, but instead overcome it and be a better you! As always xoxo -Bossy K